Aaron’s Blog

I am having a full freak out today. In a way it was brought on by a conversation I just had but I was in no fit state before that really.

The most challenging thing to me was that people aren’t lying to me when they say good stuff about me. When someone says something good about me it triggers disgust in myself, especially if I even remotely believe it, the next thought is that they are lying to me to make me feel better. It doesn’t matter what the context is, this is my thought process. I can’t seem to seperate confidence in who you are against being an arrogant prick. I think because I fear being that person I was a long time ago, having that brought up fairly recently re-inforced that fear for me.

I felt like people for some reason had this completely different view of me than reality and I don’t know where it comes from. I always wonder why I did well in my jobs, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop even though I’d be getting promoted and having more and more responsibility put on me. I ran a team of six or so people and was essentially replaced by two people when I left. Logically I see that I must have been good in some way, but actually that’s not how I ever felt or how I feel.

I’ve had so many things said to me, people telling me what they think of me or how they see me operate in the world and I’m always, always shocked. I see other people and friends take compliments in their stride and sell themselves and I don’t judge them, I admire that they can do this. However if I even remotely believe anything positive about myself the next feeling is disgust, then anger.

The conversation I just had was almost anger from the other person, or frustration I guess because they don’t want me to react this way. They want me to see myself the way they see me I think but I feel like to do so would make me some sort of arrogant prick. I don’t want to say I can’t do it, because I think I could do most things I set my mind to, it’s just not something I want to do at the moment, or to do so just sets of this chain of terrible feelings.

The onset of every depressive episode that I can remember in the last couple of years and especially this one has been when I’ve gotten closer to my goals. When I can start to look in the mirror and think that I’m achieving something and feel good about it. Not long after that I start to hurt myself and fall badly to a place that I hate, but feel more comfortable, or not so much comfortable but fear less. It’s what I know.

The last few weeks the psychologist has started by asking me what I want to talk about and each week I’ve said that I didn’t know. I’ve looked to her to lead me through the process. However I think I just realised  that at some point it’s up to me to use her rather than be lead by her. I’ve been talking about this for a couple of weeks but it never really clicked for me how to implement it, and it’s so simple.

Tonight I was going to complete my homework which was going to take another hour or two and then go in and do the usual discussion about whatever. However I think instead I will leave the homework for another time and come up with a plan of what I want to discuss, what I feel (not think) are my main obstacles to getting out of this depression, or finding some sort of happiness and just generally give some time to consider what’s holding me back. I think it’s about time to stop talking about what has been the problem and start talking about what IS the problem. Sure what IS is related to what WAS but I think it’s about time for me to take a bit more control.

There’s that word again. Control. Maybe I just have to accept that it’s an integral part of me, it’s what has made me this person people say good stuff about. Maybe it’s not a bad thing even though the word control feels negative.

So right now I don’t know what makes me me, what I actually am versus what I think I am versus what people think I am. I don’t know how to get a proper view of myself or if that even matters. Is it better to think you are awesome or to know your are sub awesome, logically I know it’s better to think you’re better than you are but I also dont’ want to be that way.

Today is a freaky day. I’m feeling pretty unravelled. However I think it’s probably a good start.

I remember in Dead Poets Society there is a reading from a book where the author has tried to simplify the importance or greatness of a poem into a function of two variables. By doing so the importance of a poem becomes the area defined by the poing the poem defines inside the space allowed by the two variables.

Watching Truth is Stranger Than Fiction I was again surprised how the movie has taken on a different meaning in both subtle and not so subtle ways. It struck me how a meaning of a movie or a poem or anything really is a function of your point of view at the time. I thought about how point of view also changes though and how I think that in most cases it’s about a place and a time.

Time is quite well defined, but place is an ambiguous term and I think this is why point of view becomes so ambiguous too. It’s not necessarily a place such as are you seated or standing, or at home or at work, it’s your place in life, and so place becomes a multi variable function also. Place sort of encompasses so many things some of which may not be modelable or are far too complex for us to be able to even understand past a very loose concept.

As I was saying though it’s interesting all the new things I noticed while watching this movie that I hadn’t noticed before, or weren’t important to me. Previously I think I may have been so lost in the discovery of life aspect and the romantic part of the movie I missed all of the similarities between the character and myself, this time I found myself identifying in many odd ways. I saw the narrator as my own internal narrator and voice and how most people go most of their life completely oblivious to it, what would happen if you began to notice it. To believe it.

I really considered the fact that the character was willing to give his life to save another, which opens up a bunch of questions about whether you’d do it unknowingly at the time, or does it make it easier to know that by doing so you will be making an impact, or would you chicken out at the last minute. If you did it unknowingly you may think you have a chance of survival. If you knew you had no chance would it make you more or less likely to do it? I think I’d totally missed this consideration when I’d watched it previously.

I also identified a lot more with the discovery of life. Forgetting about the narator and ignoring it really, just finding things that were more rewarding. I identified with teh eating alone, waking up alone, going to bed alone, working, and then repeating the pattern.

It always amazes me how much a movie can make me think. How much that thought changes based on what is going on in my life. How much the meaning of a thing that never changes, changes purely based on me. You take something that never, ever will be different and you watch it three times and it could seem slightly, or even massively different each time. You’ll get different things from it, you can be changed by it. You identify with different characters and learn different lessons.

I still find it amazing sometimes. I think it’s why I really love movies so much.

The therapy methodology that I have subscribed to through suggestion from my psychologist has some roots in eastern philosophy. Some of the tools and practices that it suggests come from meditation and so it had lead me to investigate meditation and see if this would offer me any benefits in being a bit more mindful of the present. On mentioning this to my psychologist she suggested checking out the free lessons run by the Buddhist Society in Nollamara.

I have to say right off the bat that I was extremely impressed and happy with what was provided and for me the instructor filled in a lot of the gaps that existed in my very sparse toolkit when it came to trying to meditate or relax.

I went with Adam, Kirsty, Mark, Em and Maggie and I don’t think anyone didn’t get something out of it with most people really enjoying it. I think for the guys that didn’t enjoy it that much maybe doing it with their loved one in a safe environement while they’re feeling already quite good might be a better wya to start. This way it would setup a relationship of meditation being a good thing and related to calmness and love and warmth rather than panic and concealment and so on.

The first part of the session went for about 40 minutes, though it seemed much shorter than that. The instructor seemed to have a very clear idea of what he wantd to go through and achieve and had great analogies for every part of it to give us a better idea of what we were aiming to do. I’ve found the best part of this process to be how it challenges you to think in different ways. I had been told previously to take note of the sounds around you to stay in the present moment but our instructor also added not to make the sounds into stories and to me this was a huge help or prod in the right direction.

I feel like I give quite a bit of consideration to how my brain works and the processes that happen for a lot of what I’m thinking about, the why, the how, and just do a lot of analysis. On talking to the psychologist and a few other people including friends and others I think I do this way more than the average person. Previously I’ve thought this was a bad thing, but also a good thing and so have wrestled with when it’s good and when it’s bad and how to remove it at certain times by tap into it at others. What I’ve enjoyed most about the new approach the psychologist has challenged me with is that it’s up to me to determine what’s good and bad simply by what the outcome is, as well as the tools to reduce the negative side effects of how my mind works.

In any case one thing I hadn’t given much consideration to is the little ’stories’ my mind makes up that are do indiscernable from regular thoughts that I didn’t even consider them stories. I guess I thought of them as context.

An example would be that while meditating and being in the present moment I was hearing the sound of birds. However if you consider what happens when you hear a bird you think of a bird, you think of a bird perched somewhere, you think of a bird near some other birds and so on and this story about that sound is developed. The story is small and probably doesn’t have a timeline as such, but it is a story about the sound because the sound isn’t a bird, or birds, or a branch, it’s a sound. Just take the sound as that and consider just the sound. When you’re sitting thinking about something else you hear the same sounds but your subconscious processes them and there is no story. If you are doing something and your mind does start to create this story about a bird, or a car driving by, or whatever then you lose focus from what you were doing. To me it seems like meditation is a little bit about quitening your conscious one-track-storytelling-mind (whether guy or girl) and letting the subconscious have more say.

In any case this tip of not creating a story for the sounds really helped and I found a couple of short periods of really being in the moment. For friends that have seen me completely fucked up and having hallucinations or dropping in and out of reality there was one period like that. It was really enjoyable. What is kind of ironic or funny though is that upon reaching these moments my mind then wandered to creating stories about afterwards telling people about how great these moments were and I’d be a bit into this story before I’d realise what had happened.

However this is natural and I had learned already that to fight these thoughts or become disappointed in myself was not a positive reaction. I simply laughed at it and drifted back to what I was trying to achieve. This allowed me to have a couple of great moments rather than just one that was punctuated with disappointment and sadness!

Acceptance. It’s a key word these days and in the class.

One of the women there brought up a show about neuroplasticity and it was along the lines of the question I had wanted to ask him. It’s very easy in that moment to understand the relaxation and great properties of meditation however what does it give to the rest of you life or that day ? He explained that it kind of developed new pathways in your brain that you would travel in. Rather than you getting angry over something straight away a new pathway to a more considered approach might have been developed. For him he said his decision making process became better because of this calmer, more considered way of being.

All in all I thought it was really fantastic. It filled in so many gaps in my knowledge about how to meditate and what you might get out of it. It also filled in a few blanks about Buddhism and what it is to be a monk or a nun. It made me realise how little I knew about both practices.

It’s been difficult to find the time to practice some of the things that my psychologist has wanted me to do, but I really want to find 15 minutes a day to practice meditation. I think it’s my negative thinking that wants to believe I am not doing what I should be doing to get better I’m definitely trying the exercises when I remember. I’m just not setting aside time in the day or week to sit down and do it. Then again they aren’t those sorts of tools or exercises. Just negative thinking.

I’d definitely reccomend these classes to anyone with an open mind and who thinks they could give 15 to 30 minutes a day to something that might make them a calmer individual with more insight into how they think and operate in the world.

I hate propaganda. I like it when people present to me a balanced view of what is going on.

Of course everything is made by humans and some humans are dumber than other humans, some humans are liars, some humans are sheep, some are leaders. So you get views that come from all manner of motivations, from people of all intelligences and from those willing to believe what they are told and from those that go and find a new truth.

I started to watch a documentary last night called Earthlings. It wasn’t really recommended to me, it was just explained to me that it was a documentary they’d heard about that was good. So I’m not attacking anyone here, I just wanted to comment on what I’d seen so far. I haven’t finished watching it yet.

It’s an animal rights activism ‘documentary’ on the treatment of animals by humans. They called it speciesism and related it to racism and other forms of preudice. They make a direct link to humans being Nazis and a direct link to the holocaust saying that the way humans treat animals is equivalent to the way the Germans treated Jews in World War 2. I wish they would have just stuck to the facts instead of editorialising so much. I wish they were smarter.

The thing is if you really want to change someones mind about something there are better ways to go about it than attacking them so forcefully. This documentary preaches to the choir and when doing further research on the internet the number of comments starting with “I was already a vegan…” is pretty astounding. The documentary may get through to a small number of people that were already leaning that way but in reality all it’s doing is building up all the same thoughts in a bunch of sheep.

l can’t comment too much before watching the entire documentary but at this point I’m only doing that to say that I’ve watched it, not because I’m learning anything and not because it’s a good documentary.

The narration is so fucking bad. It grates on my nerves and makes the entire thing boring. I actually think a different narator would make a difference as to how much I’m taking in. The narrator is Joaquin Phoenix. I never liked him anyway.

In any case I wouldn’t recommend this movie for the squeamish. It’s really about taking the absolute worst case of anything to do with how humans treat animals and making out that that is the general case. It’s not.

I’ll make another post once I’ve finished watching it. I just needed a break from the awful narration.

It’s funny that while humans treat each other so poorly there are people out there using their time on this sort of thing. Strangely enough I read a speech by Clarence Darrow last night and there was an interesting point made about the treatment of African Americans. It applies to most people with different coloured skin. It still applies to people that are different. Humans are programmed to react in a certain way to things that are different. That doesn’t excuse it, but it is an excuse. Maybe we should be concentrating on treating people closer to home better before casting our net so widely ?

I was just looking at my desk and it popped into my head that it was looking quite messy. In fact I would say that it was covered in rubbish. Then I thought, it’s actually not covered in rubbish, most of the individual items that combine to form the mess are actually quite useful. A coin container, a toy car, a packet of gum, a notepad, my iPod and my keys plus numerous other items.

Taken as their individual parts none of it would be considered rubbish and even if it were to you, it wouldn’t be to Toby or Justine. I just made those names up. Toby is alright, but I’m not that keen on Justine. As names I mean, not as people. They aren’t real. The names are. I’m talking about the people, there are no people called Toby or Justine. Well there are, but not in this case. My Toby and Justine are fictitious. Well their names are fictitious also I just needed some names to make my point. I’m not even sure if needed names, especially real names of made up people that I didn’t even make up but may have come into existence merely by me thinking about their names. Who knows how the process of child birth works? I’d reason that nobody truly understands it, some people may argue with me about that but I can certainly agree to disagree whether they agree to disagree about our disagreement or not.

Back to the point though, my desk and it’s fullness of rubbish. Each item by it’s self from my point of view holds some value whether it be monetarily such as the iPod or, some other way like the used chewy wrapper. I guess at this point the obvious question - that doesn’t pertain to my sanity - is how is a gum wrapper valuable. In what possible way is a gum wrapper valuable? I don’t know, but just thinking of all the fossil fuels I’d use to get up and throw it in the bin makes my mind spin. How are fossils fueled anyway? Do they move so quickly that our human eyes cannot see them, or do they exist in another dimension living out their lives while their corporeal husks remain here with us. I’m not sure. Again I think some people tend to think they know what fuels fossils but I think they could only be guessing.

So the gum wrapper’s value is probably more held in it’s potential energy, of which I like to keep quite a bit. If you could choose between potential energy and lacking-in-direction energy I think you would see the choice is clear. Choose the gum wrapper.

As I just chuck an apostrophe into the previous paragraph to show ownership of value by the wrapper. What a crazy world we live in where a wrapper can both have value and an apostrophe. Equal opportunity is a wonderous thing. Though I’m not sure of the last time I saw a dark wrapper actually, rapper sure, but wrapper, no, not for a while. I guess it’s just like the write wrapper race to keep all the punctuation for themselves.

I could’ve cleaned my desk.

I don’t even know where this started, but my desk is still a mess of valuable items and racist gum wrappers. There is a pack of diet jelly and some headphones too but I’m not sure what sort of hair styles they’re into these days. I’ll gut the jelly packet later and cook it’s insides in boiling water. I toss away the left overs like it were an empty package. It might not seem like it but I lay awake at night thinking about it.

I think I was going to write about medication side effects but instead I thought this would suffice.

Add to the mix fidget tastic, or testic. Then el. Testicle heh.

Anyway. Work. Now.

This isn’t anything amazing, but I’ve been working for a chunk of the last couple of hours on profiling the PHP application that I’m modifying. My mods have all been written using object oriented programming and as quickly as possilbe. As such there are a lot of calls that are unrequired for certain operations and lots of data that is being loaded that sometimes isn’t required. Some of the objects are quite heavy and will have multiple arrays of objects within them.

This was all fine and dandy until the client let us know that they would be expecting about 100,000 parent level objects (a Contact) to be stored. Searching, loading, listing and any manner of other operations instantly became not so trivial. I bulked out my table to about 50,000 records and already there were massive problems with how I’d written the system.

I installed XDebug and ran the profiler across my code and it was pretty obvious I needed to implement some lazy loading strategies if this was to get any better. In some cases I require only a small subset of the data a Contact contains, in some cases I need everything.

After chucking it through the profiler and implementing lazy loading for the most variable members in the object I got my DB calls down about 70% and page load time down about 50%. This will only get better as there are more concurrent calls, as well as allowing more concurrent calls to happen also.

I’m yet to find something that will who me memory footprints of the application and it’s components but for the time being I’m more than happy to see massive reductions in loading times and am pretty sure for the most part my changes thus far will have dropped memory requirements quite a bit.

Optimization is fun It’s always been the part of programming I’ve enjoyed the most, perhaps because it’s where you have to be the most stubborn.

In any case the tools I’ve been using so far are just XDebug which you can install via PECL and so on as well as a web app called WebGrind that you can download. It’s a PHP application that’ll process the output from the XDebug profiler.

I’m finding the sessions go more and more quickly as time goes on. Possibly because as I settle into the environment and with my psychologist I’ve become less anxious and am able to enjoy the experience a lot more. I’m not saying that I feel as though the time is short, it’s actually really productive and definitely not lacking but it’s just something that I’ve noticed as time has gone on.

Today we concentrated on expansion, or emotional expansion I guess. Something that was indentified early on was that I don’t actually allow myself to feel things. I tend to do anything it takes to avoid feeling things, both good and bad. This surprised me at first as I considered myself fairly emotionally aware, but on reflection I recognised that there was truth to it. I am aware but I kind of understand things as if they were a black box. Of course I’ve felt all the same things as most people, you can’t run away forever but I don’t like to have my emotions in control of me so I have a tight reign on them.

So by this point I should have a few techniques that I am practising to try and defuse negative thoughts. The aim is not to fight or struggle with them because they’ll be there no matter what. You can’t control your thoughts. You can control your actions though, so you can control your reaction to your thoughts. My old way used to be to fight my thoughts with logic, but your thoughts don’t have to be logical, they can be emotion based, they can be whatever they want. At this point I have a few tools that allow me to accept the thoughts as just that, thoughts, they might be real, they might not be. Some are useful, some are not.

As with a lot of this stuff when I think about it afterwards I question why I hadn’t thought about this myself earlier, but I think that’s the point. Even for things where I had actually thought about it, my psych is pointing me in a more focussed way and making my consideration of the topic more worthwhile. She’s basically formalising stuff that would have been disjointed sets (disparate silos?) of information in my head and adding things I had never even considered before.

In any case the tools I’ve taken as useful (as some have not proven to be so) are helping and I think I can say last week was better than the one before.

Today we concentrated on expansion though. It was a really, really interesting exercise.

You close your eyes and give two long breaths using your diaphragm (Diaphragmatic Breathing) then start the exercise. You feel your body and scan it for tension points then find the point that has the most tension or stress. For me this was my forehead. You find this point of stress but do not do anything to it, you imagine you are a scientist observing the stress. What shape is this tension or stress? Draw an outline around it in your mind and investigate the shape. You basically turn it into an object, for me it was the shape of a sleeping mask and was coloured grey. You look at it’s shape and see if it has a texture, a smell. Then you see how deeply you feel it, is it close to the surface of your skin, or deep within you or somewhere in between. Then you take a deep breath and imagine your breath makes a space around the object, but don’t affect the object just let it be. You may find the object expands to fill the space you’ve created and so just keep breathing to create more space. I found that the item ended up taking up my entire body, and though this was quite unnerving and I felt like I was spinning and wanted to open my eyes, my breathing got shallow and so on, it reduced the intensity of the tension, it was like it spread the pressure out over a larger area. At the end the psych asked me to take note of my surroundings, find 5 sounds going on in the room then 5 smells and then they get you to open your eyes and readjust.

It was probably about five minutes, maybe more and it surprised me how much it actually affected me. After all, it was just a tension point on my body, but it was really uncomfortable and that manifested itself in me having to forcefully keep my eyes shut, slow my breathing and try and not lost control of the spinning sensation.

She said I should use this exercise when I am thinking about bingeing and I am actually kind of looking forward to it.

We talked about me doing meditation as it’s something I’ve become interested in in the last three months, she said she wasn’t a meditator but it may help someone like me. Apparently there are free courses run out of the Buddhist Society in Nollamara. I think there is a lot of cross over between a few of the exercises I’ve done lately and meditation.

I got a bunch of homework this week but I chose it I figured that given exercise is an important part of my life I would do the values stuff related to that. Along with that she’s given me a bunch of stuff to read with regards to pursuing pleasure, I’m doing some stuff on diaphragmatic breathing, as well as keeping a diary with regards to my depression and the bulimia. I haven’t done the diary thing for that stuff before so it might be good to try and find a pattern to it. She said today that she sees the bulimia as my yardstick as to how I’m feeling which I thought was strange, but actually fairly true.

So all in all it was another good session. I feel like the last couple of sessions in so far as the tools that have come from the book and the insight from the psychologist have helped me see a few things in a different light and from a more beneficial perspective.

I am really enjoying interaction with my psych. The conversation is pretty broad in it’s nature and it’s funny how at ease I feel discussing highly personal things with her. Partly it would be because of what she represents as a virtual stranger and someone that needs to know these things, but also probably because that’s what she needs to be good at. Either way I’m enjoying it.

Today she brought up the bulimia and so I talked about that in a fair amount of detail. She had a similar view of it as me in that it’s a symptom not a problem. I mean it is a bit of an issue but to treat the bulimia is to cut away the branches of a weed rather than treating what causes the binge eating and thereby hopefully digging it up at the root. Either way after a decent amount of discussion on the topic to determine if it was something to deal with as a matter of importance I think she thought there were more important things to deal with that would benefit the binge eating.

Three things that stuck out to me today were firstly that boredom isn’t something to run away from, discomfort isn’t something that has to be run away from and negative experiences are still part of the experience of life. I think these three points while seemingly obvious, don’t gel with the western philosophy about how we should view a fulfilling life.

If we are bored then we should be doing something to generate excitement, to get out of a rut, to improve ourselves, as long as we aren’t bored! If we aren’t comfortable then we should be doing things to make ourselves more comfortable. I think while on some level we acknowledge these things will be part of life, the way we’ve been brought up is to definitely try to avoid boredom and discomfort at all costs. The cost of this probably is a lot of personal insight and knowledge about ourselves.

I have definitely tried to dodge discomfort quite actively. Drinking, drugs, exercise, eating and other behaviours have all been used to this means. I’d never actually considered boredom to be just a part of life though and so while I didn’t feel like I’d actively been trying to dodge this feeling I actually have been. Viewing both of these feelings as just a part of life and actually consciously being aware they’re there and feeling my way through them will be interesting. I think these will both help enormously with the bing eating.

I had been given some homework on clean and dirty discomfort to do during the week and had done that for her. She seemed pretty happy with it all and I think it was the basis for most of the discussion today. I’m trying to use some of the basic defusion techniques to put distance between my thoughts and myself. It’s quite easily when you’re already in a decent frame of mind, but when your not in a great space it can be very difficult, like fighting a losing battle really. It’s something that’ll take practice though so I’m not going to stop.

Today we did an exercise that was about eating a sultana. It takes maybe a minute or two in which you take a sultana, feel it in your hands, observe the light on it, the colours, the weight of it etc. Then smell it and observe the smell of it, notice what is going on in you body, in your mouth. As you place it at the front of your mouth notice the saliva in your mouth and so on. As you’re slowly eating it resist the urge to swallow, notice the texture against your teeth and tongue. Having her lead me through what to take note of made is far easier than I had imagined it would be. It was to me a really useful exercise in demonstrating what you can achieve if you apply yourself in a situation.

Combining this with the thoughts that being bored isn’t bad, and being uncomfortable isn’t bad sort of forms a package in my mind of three things I deal with regularly and some strategies to cope with them. I can’t always be in the moment, but I can utilise it sometimes to focus on what I want to do. If this is boring and I can’t find enough to occupy myself then that’s not BAD it’s just not desirable. It’s just another experience. Similarly with uncomfortable emotions it’s just part of the experience, they aren’t BAD unless that’s how you’ve framed them. I generally like anything that challenges convention so these interest me a great deal.

I have some homework again this week, but not that much actually, it’s mostly reading which I’m thoroughly enjoying. There are parts of the book where they recommend stopping and trying what you’ve read about and letting it sink in for a few days before progressing. I’m following their instructions but I just want to smash the whole thing out in a weekend!

So today was again really good and again more compliments that she’s enjoying our sessions and stuff about me directly. Time flies when you’re having fun, which is both good and bad I guess in this context. I think this session gave me more to think about than prior sessions and I have a feel about the direction that thins are moving in. She said I was flying through things which is good maybe I’ll get as high marks for all this as I did on my depression test

All up it was great. It’s an awesome start to the day. I generally exercise, eat and then go to the psych, come home, pack for work and catch the train in. I really enjoy how Tuesdays start at the moment.

I thought that this might turn out a bit funky but it actually turned out really really well.

Mix half a can of cream of mushroom soup and 125g (1 serve) of cottage cheese and some peas and microwave until hot. You might want to use a longer cooking time and less power so that the peas have time to cook in the process.

Afterwards you can add some tuna for more protein, or beans, or lentils or whatever I guess.

It might seem weird but the only thing that happens really is the soup becomes very creamy.

Also it’s extremely high in protein which is unusual for soup.

I saw at Coles last night now they make Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes with Toffee.

They had run out of stock.

I think they’d probably make a nice addition to ice cream for dessert or something but sadly I’m fairly sure they were eaten by someone for breakfast this morning somewhere already.