Aaron’s Blog

Things have been pretty good lately. That is all.

Really though I was sitting in bed last night reading a Roald Dahl book that Yale lent me, I saw my nails and that they are starting to be in reasonable condition. This led me down a trail of thought about where I’m at.

For the last month, maybe more, life has been on the up and up. Eating has been in check, no more throwing up, exercise has been in check and I actually went for a run the other morning. I haven’t been biting my nails, I’ve been going out on the weekend either with people or alone. Work has been going well and I’m comfortable and performing well. Friendships have been no problem and I’m not sure that there is any part of my life that hasn’t been working for me.

This all started with a look at my nails. I don’t give myself enough credit (hello Mr Arrogant :P), but I bit my nails *badly* for as long as I can remember. I remember being in year one and already having my parents complaining about my nail biting. Personally I can remember quite vividly going across the road to school assembly with bleeding fingers searching for some place I could chew. I was a fucked up kid and I’m not sure my parents had any idea how to help me.

I moved out and things definitely got better but I was never not a nail biter. I’d say as the bullimia took off so did the nail biting, they’re both coping mechanisms really. That sort of thing always amazes me.

The harder I tried to stop biting my nails, or fighting some other urge, the more it fought me back. When I relaxed and just took care of the important things all the other stuff just seemed to take care of itself. I don’t remember wanting to sort my nails out, it just sort of happened along with everything else lately.

So, now I guess I need to look into how to take care of nails. I now own a nail file, a new addition to my possessions. Clipping nails, filing nails, can you imagine not having ever done that in your life? That’s me; not anymore.

I was thinking long and hard this morning about all the fears I have surrounding the current situation with Facebook Girl. I don’t think I’m actually all that worried about getting an answer, I’ve been turned down quite a few times now and it does get easier each time. At first it was hard to work up to telling someone, now I have no problem doing that. It was hard at first to get turned down, but now that also isn’t all that bad. It seems slowly, but surely, I am learning the ability to distance myself from my emotions. Maybe this is just a process that comes with growing up.

Currently I think the train of thought that is most common for me at the moment is what happens if I’m wrong about this one too. It’s not like I’ve just randomly gone around asking women out, and this one to be honest seems to be about the most promising of them all. If this Facebook Girl just wants to be friends too then, I mean seriously, what the fuck.

That then begs the question; where is the common factor?

That then begs the question; what is wrong with me?

To be honest, I guess I have a few observations, but for the most part I feel like I’ve done a lot of hard yards in a very short time.

I went about losing a stack of weight and joining the mainstream there. I’m currently on a good path back to my best of about a year ago and my eating and exercise is well and truly back on track. When I found out that I had severe psychological issues, I didn’t really dodge that either and I feel like I put in a lot of work there. I absolutely still have some issues, but I look around me and I have to wonder.

And so, quite possibly none of this actually matters, but I think more than anything I need an answer. I spent last night in all honesty looking for a reason to not like her, evaluating her in a number of ways I hadn’t bothered to before and I couldn’t find fault, in fact I think it just made me like her more. Maybe it’s a two way street, and so this negative train of thought is just a waste of time.

It’s been tough to get a chance to sort this shit out as I’ve been busy over the last couple of weeks, but I’ll ring her this week and at least we’ll know one way or the other. I hate this maybe, maybe-not zone.

It’s there though, and I think what’s most scary is what I need to do if I’ve read all of this wrongly and it’s just another girl looking for another friend. I just don’t think I’m ready to start sleeping with men…

I’m not sure what I was expecting from IMAX other than a bit better sound and a bigger screen, but from the first second the screen lit up you could tell it was going to be something special. It costs $6 extra and it’s worth every cent. Flawless image and sound, as well as not having to wait for any previews. Star Trek as far as movies go was pretty good, actually it was very good. I went in with high expectations and they were exceeded.

I spent a bunch of Saturday trying to help Steve with his computing project. I wasn’t of much help, I got some file reading code working but not much more than that. I don’t envy Steve.

Jackie’s 21st was on Friday and it was good fun. I made a corn chip crown and wore my childrens towel from Ikea. There were some great costumes. We ended up going into Leederville afterward and I was ready to go out, but after a while in Double Lucky it killed any motivation I had, so I left the guys and went home. I was glad I did though as I needed some time to myself.

I keep forgetting that I’m flying to Queensland this week, I have to keep it in mind because I agreed to go to a few things this weekend then had to get back and say I couldn’t make it.

The booking of tickets to Bali this week was pretty spare of the moment and I’m not sure that I’m looking forward to it yet. I think when it’s all sorted then I’ll begin to look forward to it.

I have a couple hundred pages of Shantaram left and I wanted to get them done this weekend, but it’s been way to full with stuff. It’s about time I got to bed and finished off some pages.

Shooto tomorrow apparently.

Today I said “talking won’t make me feel any better”. I am, as they say, learning impaired (ie. retarded). Talking in fact did help because my brain is, as they say, a fucking piece of shit that I sometimes hate quite severely (ie. fucked). In any case today was quite a bit easier than the day before and right now, I have none of the nausea and stuff from yesterday.

I really can’t be too hard on myself, I am essentially untrained in these matters.

I turned down a TV today. It’s not a bad one, it’s far bigger than I’ve ever had here. When given the option it just filled me with disgust a little I think. When I thought about it further I have a bunch of things tied up with TV and the general symptoms of inactivity. I will quite likely have to move past these sooner or later.

Today a bunch of us booked a short weekend trip to Bali. I think at this stage there must be about a dozen people going to Bali for a weekend in July. It should be a lot of fun I reckon. I’m definitely looking forward to it anyway.

Tonight I went back to BJJ for the first time in a long time. It was a blast and really got me excited to start going back. I’m also pretty keen to give Shooto a go now. I bought a boxing bag and watched a few videos on how to punch and so on, but I’d like to get some formal training on how to combine my Jiu Jitsu with a bit of stand up. It’s supposed to be a great workout too

It’s always disappointing and enlightening when you see the things you complain about in yourself. At dinner the other night I said a few things that when I reflected on them later I didn’t like. Actually when I thought about it, I do quite the same thing in some ways.

The best part is the number of times I’ve said “The stuff people complain about in others, is usually the stuff they dislike about themselves” is probably innumerable by now. Perhaps eight times, maybe more.

So this sort of realisation requires some sort of solution. I think gossiping and giving my opinions on people has to go by the wayside. It’s easy to do in this friend group of mine, but I have to resist. Like anything this will take some work, and some training, but I will get there in the end.

I’ve always appreciated people that don’t seem to gossip, but can still give an opinion where appropriate. Maybe I should actually aspire to be more like these people more.

Right now, I feel completely drained of virtually any energy. I’ve also not been hungry at all, and I’m pretty sure I zoned out quite a bit at coffee. I sat down most of the day like I usually do and the only extra exercise I did was a ride to and from work.

There was a pretty decent sized gathering at coffee tonight. Rich and Jackie announced that they are engaged It was a complete shock to me, but a good one none the less. I liked Steve’s touch with the mini champagnes.

This position sucks right now. I’ve felt semi nauseous and on another planet all day. I hate that my thoughts are so pre-occupied and that I’m having to try so hard to control it all. Usually if I can maintain present and concentrate on the task at hand that works, but even though I’ve done that and wasn’t pre-occupied when in work mode, my body is telling a different story. We shall see what happens I guess.

Saturday morning I felt pretty shitty after what I’d drunk the night before. On reflection I didn’t really drink that much, probably half a dozen or so pints over the course of the night, but that’s a lot for me now. In the afternoon I got to hear that Dione was really happy with how the STAT test went and then I got to watch Damien and Dione’s Dad lay new lawn.

I had dinner with Matt, Magdalena, Mark and Em and it was damn good. You can’t go past a good potato, but maybe that’s the Irish in me.

I felt like a real grumpy old man on Saturday night. First of all I drank mid strength beers. Then I went out to see Grafton Primary with Matt and complained about all the young people not letting me enjoy the music. I ended up chatting with a girl for a while that afterwards I worked out was probably about 21 at the most. Then I had to drive into Northbridge, I described it as a Zoo afterwards. Then on the car ride home I talked with Matt and Mark about how the young people are destroying the scene.

Hilarious really

Grafton Primary were awesome though and I enjoyed it a lot. Upstairs was cool and I watched as I was chatting with this chick, Ash. The VIP area had about half a dozen people in it which was quite funny.

My sister rang me at about 12ish, hysterical and crying because she had no idea where she was. When she said she wanted to get to The Shed, and that was right near Valentinos right? I thought it was a good idea to go and pick her up. In the end it was drunk people blowing things all out of proportion.

Shape was alright though the music was fairly boring for me. I can see it would be good background music though.

The night was a really clean one, I didn’t drink anything and felt great for it. I can’t believe how much of a rift has been developed in the last twelve months between what I consider enjoyable and what the environment is.

Friday was a pretty easy going day. Skype meeting in the morning, knocked out a few features during the day. Finished early because I’d been working extra hours that week. This week seemed really short, probably because I only worked three days.

I spent most of the day hounding Hale for wanting to play poker rather than coming out with me. I was all set to go by myself anyway but at the last minute Steve and Hale came too.

It turns out the Darwin Dude thing is no longer a thing. I found the to and fro between people there sometimes comical, but for the most part it was still very interesting. One of the girls liked Hale. I thought the girls going to toilets to talk about guys thing was funny and so cliched

I spent a bit of time with everyone there and they all seemed really easy to get along with. When the Queens shut we went down the road to Lux and spent an hour or so there. I was way too drunk though and didn’t like the vibe there so I left.

Things to note. She was wearing my favourite perfume, I know one other person that wears it and it’s the best that I’ve smelt in all of my years. It was good to have someone on your arm entering a place. We get along without any problems, she’s incredibly honest and open like me about things you wouldn’t expect. She’s seems to have her own Dione of sorts, but he and I hit it off straight away. When I left I said that I would call her during the week and she said she wanted me to.

All in all it was an awesome night. Not even for any of the above paragraph, but just to put myself in a completely foreign space and swim quite easily. I had fun, I met a bunch of new people and I don’t think you can ask for much more than that.

Today was all about getting back into work after a four day weekend. I didn’t find it all that hard and got quite a bit done. I’m finding it’s good to get in early and do a bit before anyone gets there. I finished the day doing some design with Tony on our latest project. It felt like putting together bits of stuff I’ve done before with some improvements here and there. It was fun.

My microwave finally gave up the ghost. No more Fonzing it back to life this time. I should look at getting something bigger anyway. When I bought it I never used a microwave to cook, now I use it quite often and I didn’t like the interface on this one.

I’ve got most of my weekend pre-organised already. I’m going for drinks with Facebook Girl and some friends on Friday night, spending Saturday arvo with Dione after her STAT test and probably doing some general stuff on Sunday.

Not much more to report than that. Only two more days of work this week.

I spent today at the Zoo. I spent today at the Zoo with my best friend. I spent today at the Zoo with my best friend, and it was a thoroughly enjoyable, peaceful and calming experience. It’s hard to describe but I always feel more grounded and full these days after spending time with Dione and her family.

I think I can honestly say that no other day than my birthdays with Dione have been more about me. From the full dinner with cup cakes shaped like ice cream, to last years day of lunch and pedicures, to this years day at the Zoo the entire day is devoted to me and our friendship and really showing how grateful she is for me. It’s a special, special thing. On a day where your family don’t call to wish you a happy birthday you realise it’s a special thing.

The day started at about 11am with an SMS telling me she was just leaving her house. She was supposed to pick me up at 11am. These days I laugh, I’m never annoyed. Nor am I ever ready on time for her.

The Zoo trip was 16 cards with a clue to what animal we were going to see. On the back was a message about why that animal relates to me, or our friendship, or my group of friends. From the Orangutan for it’s red fur, like my damn beard to the Sun Bear to symbolise what my hugs mean to her. The best animal on the cards was the Tortoise I thought. The best animal not on the cards was this exhibitionist Gibbon.

We waited 40 minutes to see a Crocodile poke up out of the water to breath. We saw a baby Orangutan crawl around with his blanket. We saw the Painted Dogs with jaws that looked like they could tear your arm off. We saw little Possums roaming free, picking up food scraps. We didn’t see the Slow Loris, the only one we missed.

We must’ve walked a few kilometres today and I had an awesome packed lunch and then a jam doughnut birthday cake.

After the Zoo we met up with Damien and saw the place he owns. Dione showed me around Menora; it’s an amazing suburb. I would love to buy a house there some day. His tenant had the tongue of a politician.

We had dinner at Cantina, it was amazing. It’s BYO on Monday and Tuesday so we took advantage. The meals themselves were quite special and we had a side of potato chunks fried in duck fat and then baked. Desert was Quince crumble and a chocolate pudding. The whole thing was beautiful. The service was excellent.

Dione dropped me off, and I couldn’t thank her enough.